One day, not so long ago, I was out hitchhiking. It was fun, and a totally new experience for me, but I must admit I am a bit paranoid about hitchhiking. Which pretty much explains everything in this post.
Anyway, I was sitting in the car of a very kind man (I’m going to call him Mr. Car-Owner from now on, though he won’t appear that much in this story) who’d picked me and my co-hitchhiker up (of course, I was the only intergalactic hitchhiker there, but that’s beside the point, since we weren’t trying to get a lift with a spaceship, even if that would’ve been awesomely cool), and MR. Car-Owner mumbled something about why he was out driving.
I admit, I wasn’t really listening that much, but I caught the word digging.
“Digging,” my mind said. “Digging…. Hmm.
“Digging, digging, digging, DEAD!!!”
You might say this wasn’t the most rational thing to think. But my mind immediately associated “digging” with “dead”, because Mr. Car-Owner would take me with him, force me to dig a hole that was roughly me-long and -broad, and about half a dozen feet deep.
Then he would hit me hard with the shovel I had been digging with, push me down in the hole I’d just worked on for so long, cover me with dirt and mould, and then, finishing his work, plant grass and flowers in the freshly turned earth, so that it would look like he’d just been making a flower bed all along.
Some time later, I would be found. And over my dead, half-rotten body*, Horatio Caine would say something clever about hitchhiking young girls who are dead and half-rotten while putting on his sunglasses.
Now, you might say that there are several things that are wrong with this story that’s totally true (except it didn’t happen, because obviously I didn’t die, which you can see because I’m alive to write this story), and you would be right. The Top Three Wrong Things about my story are listed here, with my thoughts on them and why they are wrong or actually right:
- Horatio Caine is in Miami, Florida, USA, and I am in a small middle-of-nowhere part of Norway (and I was in an even smaller middle-of-nowherer area when I was hitchhiking)
I agree somewhat with this: why the hell is Horatio Caine in tiny little we’re-better-than-everyone-else-but-no-one-has-really-heard-of-us Norway, when he lives in nice-and-warm-and-awesomely-cool-with-lots-of-cool-places-and-things-happening Miami in Florida in the really big United States of America?
I know that! Because when Dead!Me was found, the Police Chief for the district immediately saw the parallels to the cases that were known all over the world: the dead people that were found in guess where? MIAMI, of course. And all these dead people had two things in common (except for being dead and brutally murdered, of course): 1. they were young people, and 2. they were last seen while hitchhiking.
(What, you don’t think this explanation sounds very plausible? Use your imagination, sweetie.)
- Horatio Caine is a fictional character in a TV series (my Dad refused to believe me when I told him this, but I’m pretty sure he was being sarcastic)
I admit, this is a really good one. BUT, it is wrong to say that this is wrong with my story! I will explain this too:
Horatio Caine is a character in a TV series called CSI:Miami. Now, most people think that this series is not based on anything. But they are wrong.
For CSI:Miami, and, more particularly, the character Horatio Caine, is based on the hero Horace Cane, who would’ve been famous if he hadn’t had a secret identity. Horace Cane runs around in Miami, rescuing kidnapped people, solving murders, and giving the scriptwriters for CSI:Miami hints on what to write about next.
I agree, this sounds a little out there, but it’s true. Though I know what you’re thinking (or if you aren’t then you should be thinking it, because that’s how humans work, but maybe you aren’t human?), how come I haven’t heard about this guy? And, of course, I answered that already (the name and character Horace Cane is a secret identity, I won’t tell you his real name though because that would expose him and make him haunted by the paparazzi), but to add to that: he’s an alien, with supertechnology that allows him to change his appearance, and hide well. He originally came to earth to observe us humans so his superiors could decide whether to destroy our planet like we’d destroy a wasp nest in our garden. But Cane the Alien saw that we humans aren’t in need of pesticide, just some help to get back on the right and more humane track. So Cane does his best to help humanity – and not only by solving murder riddles. But that’s the only hint you’re going to get from me concerning his real (and much more well-known) identity.
- October isn’t a very good time for making flowerbeds.
Yeah, I have no objections to this. Although, if Mr. Car-Owner were a clever and sly serial killer (which he isn’t, he is a very nice and polite man who did his best to converse with a very reserved and shy and tired me), he could probably come up with a better excuse for the mould-spot on his lawn.
See? I was totally right. The story about Hitchhiking!Me who ended up dead is true (well, if it’d happened, anyway. I already said it didn’t for very clear reasons – unless I did die and all that has happened between then and now has been the Dream of the Dead). And that’s enough writing for today; I think I need to go and collect my thoughts about dinosaurs.
*I almost wrote rotten, half-dead body. If that were true, it would’ve made my story so much more creepy, but also very much less believable. (Which of course it is now, as I've already said.)
PS! On an entirely unrelated note, last Friday, while eating pizza at the airport, I saw Rory from Doctor Who. (He was also eating pizza, and talking on the phone.) Well, I doubt it was really Rory, but it could have been the actor, Arthur Darvill, if he speaks Norwegian (with my dialect! OMG!!). Or, my theory, his twin. Or perhaps an alien impersonating him. Yeah.
